you're in my prayers, lola. i will see you in june. i pray to God that i do see you in june. i love you 'la.

damn, i fucked up so bad. i got five absences to go now i cant take off when i really need to. damn shit.

three good days in a row with my boobstar. yup friday - sunday. cleaned up this weekend pretty nice. but reality kicked in and i had to go home at one point or another, back to all the bullshiiznit. the kraziiness. oh wellz. thanks for a wonderful weekend babes.

me: why cant you be like that all the time? [referring to his sweetness while hugging me]
omar: why cant you be quiet like that all the time? [referring to my silence the whole day] ..

haha but one thing i did learn this weekend is that thru all the bullshit and headache this peice of monkey puts me through, he really does love & care for me. and i'll end it with that. <3

R.I.P John Paul II.
- you truly touched many lives and i'm so happy you are now finally with our heavenly father.

im a good fuckin person dammit! im a good student. im a good friend. im a good girlfriend. im a good daughter.

but then if i am ....

how come i got seventy bucks stolen from me by the same person i considered a friend?

how come out of all the people that has a motorola i860, mine was stolen?

how come out of a class of 300+ kids, i'm the only one who cant go to college and its not because of intellegence/iq?

how come my boyfriend lies to me all the time?

how come my parents cant provide me with the same things other parents can provide their children?


god i need help. i need counseling. i need a psychiatrist. no joke. im such a mess right now. and getting drunk and smoking packs of cigarettes isn't the answer to my problems. im just gonna end up in a hospital one day from either alcohol posoining or lung cancer... maybe even both if im lucky.

seriously. im a good person/friend. i help people out when they need me. i even offer to help them. i listen to them if they have problems. i try to make them laugh by making a fool of myself. if they're up short, i lend them a few bills here and there. IM A GOOD DAMN FRIEND.

i work hard in school. i get good grades. im respectful to teachers. i have a good head on my shoulders. then why the fuck is it that i can't go to college? WHY WHY WHY!? why cant i achieve my dreams just like everyone else? how come those who hardly work as hard as i do have a better opportunity to go to college. i busted my ass since i was small. i've always wanted to be in the medical field. i actually wanted to be a brain surgeon. and then i wanted to be a medical technologist. then i wanted to be a bone surgeon. but then  i figured if i'm a nurse, i can be a little bit of everything. but now, i cant. why why why!?

why does omar lie to me all the time? what do i  do wrong? if he needs me, im there. if he needs money, my wallet's there. if he needs ass, my ass is there. if he needs me cos he misses me, im there. then why do i get treated like this? honestly, how many guys out there turn their cellphone off after their girlfriend calls them? half the things that come out of this mouth i dont even know if i should believe. but then there's those moments when he'd look at me and i know he cares. if he cares, why does he lie to me?

how come my parents cant give me what i want? not to sound selfish or spoiled but how come they weren't fortunate enough like other parents out there? they work so damn hard to keep a roof over my head, clothes on my back, and bread on the table. but i just wished they were fortunate enough to send me to school. i really did.

my one true wish: TO BE HAPPY IN NURSING SCHOOL, HAVING WONDERFUL FRIENDS AND FAMILY AND A BOYFRIEND TO PUT A SMILE ON MY FACE EVERY DAY.

is that too much to ask for?